Tortallan Wheel Of Fortune
by Briar's EquinoX
Summary: Characters from the books go onto this show and a few minor difficulties ensue, R/R. You can change the plot by giving suggestions...
1. Introductions...

Tortallan Wheel of Fortune  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Pat: Welcome to our show! Yeah!! Today we have a special edition of Wheel of Fortune guaranteed to make your head SPIN! Hahaha! Aren't I funny!  
  
Vanna: You are simply hilarious you little hunk of burning love Pat! Rwrohra!  
  
Pat: *purring* After the show, Vanna dear. Then I'm all yours. *suddenly realizes the audience is gaping at him* Oh yes. On with the show! Our three contestants ARE Daine, Alanna and Keladry! Can you please introduce yourselves and state where you're from and any hobbies or jobs you have?  
  
Daine: Well... It all started on a dark and stormy night in the village of Snowsdale in the kingdom of Galla. I was born and then-  
  
Alanna: Cut the crap will you? Just state your age, sex and location.  
  
Daine: *takes a huffy breath* As I was saying, my name is Veralidaine Sarrasri and I'm from Snowsdale in Galla. I have the gift of Wild Magic which permits me to talk to animals. I was recently given the title Wildmage and now I live in Corus with my hot stuff lova Numair. My hobbies... Um let's see... Sex, talking to animals and sex.  
  
Alanna: Yeah, whatever you say slutbag.  
  
Daine: What did you call me!! You are the whore, bitch!  
  
*Alanna and Daine start fighting. Alanna draws her sword and cuts Daine's head off, then is suddenly attacked by a mob of ferocious animals. They both go down in a cloud of dust*  
  
Pat: Great. Just great, my first day back from St. Lucia and now 2 contestants have died on my show. Oh well, bring in the replacements. Aren't I smart and wonderful? I had the feeling this might happen.. Should never have brought knights onto this gods-damned show anyways...  
  
*Cleon and Neal walk on the stage. The audience cheers and whistles. They think this all part of the show*  
  
Kel: My name is Keladry of Mindelan, lady knight of the kingdom of Tortall, but please call me Kel. I am the second lady knight in all of Tortall in a century and I passed my ordeal after serving Lord Raoul as his squire for 4 years. My hobbies are practicing my weapons, horse back riding and making out with MY hot stuff lova Cleon. *bats her eyelashes and licks her lips at Cleon*  
  
Pat: Okay. Now let's introduce the replacements.  
  
Neal: I'm Nealan of Queenscove, knight. When I was 15 I left mage training to become a page. I'm Kel's best friend and she used to like me.  
  
Kel: *blushing* How did you know that!  
  
Neal: I read the books, duh!  
  
Cleon: Anyway. *glares at Neal* That was then and this is now. I'm Cleon of Kennan and Kel loves ME! By the way, I'm a knight and I'm 21 years old. I love you Kel sweetie! *winks*  
  
Neal: I challenge you to a duel! No one steals my Keladry and tells a TV audience!  
  
Cleon: YOUR Keladry? She's mine! And besides, I didn't diss her!  
  
Kel: Excuse me. I belong to no one but myself. So I will be forced to kill you both for talking about me like that.  
  
Cleon: Kel, baby. You know I didn't mean to be protective! Please... It was an accident.  
  
Kel: Here's another accident! *she whips out a hidden glaive and rakes it across Cleon's face, chest and masculine (erhem) areas. He screams, Neal laughs. Then Kel gives Neal the same treatment.  
  
Pat: Oh boy. I guess we'll need to bring on some more contestants. This has GOT to be some kind of record!  
  
*Raoul and Buri enter*  
  
Raoul: Hey everybody! I'm Sir Raoul of Malories Peak and Goldenlake and this is Buriram Tourakom. I don't think we should say any more of that for fear of offending someone.  
  
Pat: *sighs and covers his eyes* Oh my Goddess! This show is gonna be terrible. Vanna dear? Will you bring me my Aspirin. On second though, bring me the whole bottle...  
  
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Please R/R! If you give some suggestions you can help change the direction the plot is going... Is it worth a new chapter? 


	2. Spin, Spin, Spin!

Tortallan Wheel Of Fortune  
Chapter 2 ~ Spin, Spin, Spin!  
  
Pat: Welcome back! I have a feeling this is going to be an interesting and VERY eventful episode. We have viewers tuning in to see the catastophes from Scanran to New York. Anyway, let's take a look at today's special prizes for our contestants...  
  
Announcer: Courtesy of Raven Armoury, today's winner will get a free silver sword with sharp, serrated blades complete with a top quality leather scabbard enscribed with golden runes! *the audience oohs and aahs* Yep, that's right folks! And the second place contestant will get an all expenses paid trip to the Scanra Hilton! I'd watch what I ate there though. They're not on friendly terms with Tortallans and they might be inclined to slip something poisonous into your room service! And our third place contestant gets... NOTHING! You are the loser and we will all laugh in your face! Thank you.  
  
Pat: Yup, that's right. You'll win those prizes plus the money you make. Now, Buri you have been randomly selected to go first! Our category is... Tortallan Royalty!  
  
Buri: Wow! This is so cool! I could NOT believe my ears when the Goddess told me I was specially selected to be transported to a parallel universe with lots of technology. And THEN to discover there were books written about Tortall? Far out! And this wheel thingy? Rad man!  
  
*She spins the giant wheel and it slowly turns around to land on $100. Vanna walks to the screen which is displaying the blank spaces for the words. Buri seems to be confused about what to do.*  
  
Buri: Ummm... Okay, I spun the wheel! Now what the hell do I do? I haven't watched this friggin show before. Help me out here!  
  
Pat: You think about the category and what words might fit into the spaces on that screen. Then you ask a common letter or one you think is in the word to try and figure out what it is. You just spun $100 and if you guess a correct consanant you can keep that money. Vowels cost extra because they're common letters.  
  
Buri: Oh. Okay, I get it now! This is kinda fun! I'll choose J!  
  
Pat: Yes! We have 1 J!  
  
*Vanna presses the screen and a J appears at the beginning of the second word. Buri spins the wheel flexing her muscular arms. The wheel whirs and hums then flies off its socket.*  
  
Buri: Oopsie!  
  
Pat: Bring in the replacement wheel. *he sighs resignedly*  
  
*Two workers carry on the huge wheel of fortune and lever it onto the axle. The game resumes.*  
  
Buri: Okay, this time I won't be so spastic. *she giggles*  
  
*The wheel spins and stops at $1000. Buri is very excited.*  
  
Buri: Okay, I guess an Y!  
  
Pat: I'm sorry. There aren't any Ys in this word. It's now Raoul's turn.  
  
*Buri pouts. Raoul spins the wheel and it lands on $700.*  
  
Raoul: I'll take an N!  
  
Pat: Yes! We have 3 Ns!  
  
*Vanna presses the screens and 3 Ns light up. The word is Prince Jasson of Conte but only the audience knows this. Raoul spins again, gets $400 and chooses the letter C.*  
  
Pat: Yes! We have two Cs! You're really rocking this house, RahRah!  
  
Raoul: Excuse me? Did you just call me RahRah?  
  
Pat: *meekly* Ummm... yes?  
  
Raoul: I'm sorry I will be forced to kill you.  
  
Buri: *tugging on his arm* Umm... I don't think your prospects of winning would be too good if you murdered the host of the show.  
  
Raoul: You've got a point. Okay, Pat. You can live, but one more slip up and you're mincemeat!  
  
Kel: *giggling hysterically* Mincemeat is such a funny word!  
  
Raoul: I'd shut up if I were you girlie. Or I might be forced to kill you.  
  
*Kel shut up. Raoul spins the wheel and chooses the letter T. He gets $250. He continues in this pattern until every letter is taken except for the vowels and R. This appears to confuse all of the contestants. Raoul choses the letter X and loses. Keladry of Mindelan spins the wheel and it lands on $600.*  
  
Kel: Finally! I thought you guys would never finish. I choose R!  
  
Pat: Yes!!! We have an R!  
  
Kel: Wahooo! Uhuh! Yeah baby! Come on! Give it to me! Pretty Mama! Who is da champion? Kel, You are the champion! You are da best!  
  
*She spins again. It lands on bankrupt. Kel bursts into tears.*  
  
Buri: Look who's the loser now, huh? I know exactly what it is! Prince Jasson of Conte! So, can I have my prize?  
  
Pat: Yes Buri you are the winner of this round! But there's still another round before the finale.   
  
Buri: What you mean I have to win that too?  
  
Pat: Um.. yes. But the special prize of this round is a... *He whispers to the cameraman about what the hell the prize actually was* piece of old, rotten, stinky, smelly, crap covered, ewy, gooey cheese! Yeah!  
  
Buri: Ummm.. Okay, whatever. Oh! I heard Kel say she wanted it!  
  
Kel: No I didn't!  
  
Pat: Too late! You get the cheese anyway.  
  
Vanna: Since Pat is being an incompetent jackass right now I will officially dismiss us for a commercial break!  
  
Pat: Vanna baby! Don't say that!  
  
Vanna: Well you are! You're an stupid, lazy piece of horse [--CENSORED--]!!  
  
Buri: After these two lovebirds stop arguing, we'll be on with the show. Thank you!  
  
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A/N: Well? Was it worth it? Did you like my new chapter? Should I bother finishing the show? You have to R/R people! I decided to make this story more appropriate than my last humour one. 


	3. A/N:

Tortallan Wheel of Fortune  
By equinoX  
*Author's Note*  
  
It has come to my attention that there are some major Tamora Pierce flamers who need to go to hell. This is a message from me (equinoX, the author of this fic) telling you to shut up!  
  
If you don't find this fic funny, then don't even bother to review it unless you have something constructive or positive to say. I've recieved a lot of complaints about the contestants being out of character (in this fic and in my other game show humour fic Tortallan Weakest Link). IT'S A HUMOUR/PARODY FIC! I've distorted the character's personalities and made them say things they never would really say to try and be funny. As I was told by many bitcy ff.net Anonymous Reviewers, it wasn't funny enough for their liking.   
  
It's not supposed to be an accurate representation of their characters, it's the characters being transported to our world to take place in a pop-culture TV showdown. I'm sorry if you dislike what I've done to Daine, Alanna and Jon but guess what? You'll just have to live with it.  
  
P.S: I apologize to everyone who gave me positive comments about this and other fics. You guys rock! Thanks. 


End file.
